A place to belong

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I often feel I’m alone out here… I wonder, am I the only one here who “wanders,” as much as I do, trying to find that “place” where I belong… A place that has no known location, and at times is found, but then quickly changes… A place that is not a location, but rather a feeling, an overall sense of belonging.

I find myself over the years spending set amounts of time here and there; never staying in one place too long. Never “belonging” with one group for an extended length of time. I find these moments of belonging and then the wind blows and I no longer feel in my “place.” So the search for this “undefined location” continues… In and out I blow, around this life I wander…

At my center I know I’m not alone… I know there are others out there. I simply wish to find them! I wish to be understood as only one who wanders can understand… I suppose this is part of my search, my wandering to find these other souls and to connect with them.

Maybe I “belong” where I am, by not belonging at all…

Early Morning Light

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morning light

morning light

Be still and know that I am near.

Faith, one’s ability to believe without limit in the unseen, the impossible, the “never gonna happen.” (Quote by yours truly)

Seems fitting for today, Easter Sunday, a day when fellow Christians around the world come together to remember and honor our FAITH, our belief in the unseen, the impossible, the “never gonna happen.” 

On mornings when I awake before the sun I go to the window and wait… I know if I am patient, within moments, the sun will begin to shine through the trees. I stand there quietly and allow the sun to slowly beam into my room. I close my eyes and feel the radiance of the sun fill my body. A warmth and sudden peace always follow. 

It is in those early morning hours when my faith is filled, restored. It is in those early morning hours that I know I am never alone. There is a warmth, a radiance, that fills me as long as I stand in the light.

It fills me and I know…

Be still and know…

With love from Grandma

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I received this letter from my grandma today. She is simply the most incredible woman, person, soul, I have been fortunate to know, love and be loved by. She is my hero and my dream! I pray that I carry myself through this life with the same grace and wisdom as she has.

It was such a powerful letter I had to share! Feel free to do the same. Here is what it said:

To Niki (she’s the only one who spells my name like that)
From Grandma

It was nice of you to call the other day. I need to go to church each week for it gives focus to my life. I had written this a long time ago in answer to your question, “what do I believe?”

Mark 12:29 (hear, O Israel; The Lord our God, The Lord is one.)

What do I know?
to love extravagantly
to forgive without limit
to hope in the glory of God
to believe in my savior
in justification by faith
think of others and be sincerely interested in them
help all as you are able
be aware if the world and be disturbed by evil
Never succumb
be happy, try not to worry
stuff is nice but not the answer

What do I hope for you?
look back at life’s blessings
enjoy love in all of it myriad forms
physical, spiritual, the gifts of sight, touch, hearing
appreciate art, music and literature
enlarge your mind, you heart and your soul
take chances
laugh, and especially at yourself
Be humble
have fun!
have a dog or a cat, for then you will be loved extravagantly
Love is how you stay alive
we need each other
talk to God all the time
forgive yourself then forgive others
death ends a life not a relationship…

I fell to tears after reading this… She has such a way of reaching me! Love you always G’ma!

Along the way…

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There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk.

                 -Guy Gavriel Kay, Tigana

...along the way...

…along the way…

I over the last few days I have struggled to believe in myself and the path that I am on, yet in this moment it is my only strength. I continue to dream… I continue to believe that I am on the right path, though I cannot see where it leads. I have been down roads, alleys, side streets, I never envisioned for my life, yet they have all held a purpose…

I have been living in fear these last few months, afraid that I have been moving in the wrong direction instead of living in faith and believing in my choices… it’s funny how easy it was for me to throw myself out into the world this past summer and not give a damn! My faith was strong, yet back home I struggle to believe in myself, my dreams, my visions for my life… I slip into my past and begin to question the choices I have made.

Today, all I can do is hold onto this quote… push the doubt aside and believe… along the way we all stumble and fall, but have faith, it is all with a greater purpose… <3

Note to Self

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Note to self:

When trying to solve all of life’s “major” dilemmas, sometimes you just have to go with your gut… just PICK an answer and go from there!

Don’t run from fear… CHASE it!!!

And if you’re wrong… well then… at least you know and you can try again with a different solution…

Don’t waste time, just pick one and move forward!

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Self

Permission to Wander Lost

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“Some days I just wanna up and call it quits… I feel like I’m surrounded by a wall of bricks…”  -Eminem

So the last few days I’ve been feeling just like this… so frustrated and upset, I just wanted to say “Fuck it!”

What am I doing with my life? Why am I here, where I am, in my life? Why have I been lead down this path? Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing what I should be doing with my life? These questions have plagued me. So much of the time I fear I am messing up. That I am making mistake after mistake. That I just can’t seem to get “it” right because my life doesn’t “match up” with those around me. I feel like I am missing some piece of the puzzle that everyone else seems to have already figured out!

The thoughts have been there, but my birthday is coming up so that just makes them naggingly loud! Another year older blah blah blah… The insecurities came from comparing my life to others… I just figured, like I’m sure a lot of us do, I’d be somewhere else in my life by now. At 27, almost 28, I thought I’d be more established, but, as we all know, there is no clear-cut definition to life and the way our lives unfold. There is no manual, map, or GPS to show us exactly how to get from one end of our life to the other… there is just where we are, right now.

In talking with a friend tonight I realized I am in a place in my life not many get to experience, I’m not simply talking about my ability to travel (when money provides), but where I am, in the book of my life.

Just over two years ago my life ended… not literally (we’d have a completely different story on our hands then!) but metaphorically. I hit bottom, my old life was finally ending and my new one was just about to begin. It never became so clear until after I came home from Europe this past summer. Over the last two years my life has slowly, steadily, begun to Rebuild! 

I guess what I’m getting at here, is, that I should just be grateful to be where I am right meow! Not a lot of people get a second go at life, and even fewer, when presented with the opportunity, take it! Most, I feel, are forced into starting over because of different life situations that arise over time, which, we could also say, played a part in my story as well.

There are moments I feel discouraged, like the last few days. I think, I’m not where my friends are with their relationships, careers, houses, families, kids, yada, yada, yada… and I get sad because I do want that, but some day, not yet. I need to get my own “head straight” first. I realize I am beyond blessed to be able to start over at my age. I see others around me, in a similar predicament, but they are older and have all of those things. Its not so easy to begin again once you are in their shoes.

To remember not everyone’s journey will look the same or move at the same pace, and to be able to accept and embrace it is key to my happiness.

As my dad explained, through hand gestures, the other night, “Nikki, when everyone else is going right, you go left! It’s just who you are.” I need to accept that I am different, we are all different, and we will not always follow with the crowd, nor should we.

I need to allow my life to unfold, in its own time, and trust there is a reason why I am, where I am, at this moment, now…

… From now on, I give myself permission to Wander Lost… ♥

Lesson #315 <3

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I go out traveling to see who I am…

I come home to see who I was…

I go out traveling to discover who I was created to be…

I come home to discover how far I’ve come…

I go out traveling to understand life…

I come home to understand the beginning…

I go out traveling to connect to life…

I come home to connect to love…

I go out traveling to learn…

I come home to share …

I spent the better part of today thinking about my need, my desire, to travel and wondering why, after all these years and despite my attempts to leave “for good,” I continually find myself drawn back here, to this little corner of the world I call home, Syracuse! Each time I leave and come back I find a little more to love, a little more to appreciate, a little more of my life, a little more of myself… There is something to be said about home… and I will leave it at that… allow you to fill in the rest…

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