“Some days I just wanna up and call it quits… I feel like I’m surrounded by a wall of bricks…” -Eminem
So the last few days I’ve been feeling just like this… so frustrated and upset, I just wanted to say “Fuck it!”
What am I doing with my life? Why am I here, where I am, in my life? Why have I been lead down this path? Am I doing the right thing? Am I doing what I should be doing with my life? These questions have plagued me. So much of the time I fear I am messing up. That I am making mistake after mistake. That I just can’t seem to get “it” right because my life doesn’t “match up” with those around me. I feel like I am missing some piece of the puzzle that everyone else seems to have already figured out!
The thoughts have been there, but my birthday is coming up so that just makes them naggingly loud! Another year older blah blah blah… The insecurities came from comparing my life to others… I just figured, like I’m sure a lot of us do, I’d be somewhere else in my life by now. At 27, almost 28, I thought I’d be more established, but, as we all know, there is no clear-cut definition to life and the way our lives unfold. There is no manual, map, or GPS to show us exactly how to get from one end of our life to the other… there is just where we are, right now.
In talking with a friend tonight I realized I am in a place in my life not many get to experience, I’m not simply talking about my ability to travel (when money provides), but where I am, in the book of my life.
Just over two years ago my life ended… not literally (we’d have a completely different story on our hands then!) but metaphorically. I hit bottom, my old life was finally ending and my new one was just about to begin. It never became so clear until after I came home from Europe this past summer. Over the last two years my life has slowly, steadily, begun to Rebuild!
I guess what I’m getting at here, is, that I should just be grateful to be where I am right meow! Not a lot of people get a second go at life, and even fewer, when presented with the opportunity, take it! Most, I feel, are forced into starting over because of different life situations that arise over time, which, we could also say, played a part in my story as well.
There are moments I feel discouraged, like the last few days. I think, I’m not where my friends are with their relationships, careers, houses, families, kids, yada, yada, yada… and I get sad because I do want that, but some day, not yet. I need to get my own “head straight” first. I realize I am beyond blessed to be able to start over at my age. I see others around me, in a similar predicament, but they are older and have all of those things. Its not so easy to begin again once you are in their shoes.
To remember not everyone’s journey will look the same or move at the same pace, and to be able to accept and embrace it is key to my happiness.
As my dad explained, through hand gestures, the other night, “Nikki, when everyone else is going right, you go left! It’s just who you are.” I need to accept that I am different, we are all different, and we will not always follow with the crowd, nor should we.
I need to allow my life to unfold, in its own time, and trust there is a reason why I am, where I am, at this moment, now…
… From now on, I give myself permission to Wander Lost… ♥
